In the Span of 24 hours I chopped the tip of my thumb off, judged at Chili contest, had a birthday and then a full mental shut down for no reason what-so-ever.
I get caught in these cycles where Im not really sure what I should be doing, trapped in a loop where I start to feel distant from my body then from my mind. I get real quiet and begin this systamatic shit down of all care and feel for whats around me. I cant make any choices, not about food or clothes to wear or if I want to sleep or die. I end up blindly walking to my phone or some sort of device and stare for hours at nothing, searching Youtube or Facebook for something to strike me.
The whole time I want something. I feel a deep need for some thing to grab me but I can never capture it. I settle on "buy" something and the set out on the never ending task of research and discusion but I dont have any idea where Im heading. I dont know what it is that I even want to buy I just knows its out there. Is it shoes? Is it a car?
On my 30th and 31st birthdays it was a car. Hell, even the last month I bought 2 fucking cars, one I need/like and the other that will sit and rot because I bought a project right before winter and have no place to do any work on it.
The flower in my Latte looks like a penis. Thats not how it started or what the Barista was intending to do, Im sure.
I have so many things already, many things I love and hate and I truly have all the things that I need to use or make or build. I even have stuff other places I have bought on a binge and have used once and now they are sitting in someone elses space waiting for me to grab them yet again. I tell myself all the time that its less I need, fewer is what Im aiming for and yet here we are sitting on a laptop shopping for a different laptop or for shoes I think will solve some sort of issue Im not having. ]
Is it still a midlife crisis if it keeps happening?
I daily dream of selling my toys but it always ends with the dream of replacing them with something better and newer, something I havnt already ruined and I can focus all my heart on. The things Im replacing are fine. They are doing their exact purpose something new would just become old and out of head.
But why, why is that my default. Where is the settle button, where is the space in my mind that appreciates the things I have now and the drive to make them better.Its terminal "grass is always greener". It may not kill me outright but it will drive me actually crazy and that will kill me.
I am bored. I am stressed over nothing. I am not happy.
the key to happy is loving who you are and what you are. What if I dont want to settle for this. What if loving this makes it stay this way and them Im actual trapped in a cycle of hate love hate love hate love forever and I cant grow. What if the key is loving what you are and using that as a springboard to grow and move. Being content with your now doesnt mean it needs to be that way forever and I can change it later on. Cant I?
I get so paniced when Im injured. So hard on myself that Im going to lose everything Ive (poorly) built to this point. Im going to get fat because I cut my thumb off. Im going to lose 200lbs on my squat because my back is tired this week.
Maybe my goals are wrong.
Abs are made in the kitchen. Biscpts are made with hard work. If Im really worried about getting fat I need to first decide what fat is. Is it losing my abs? Is it 200lbs? Those things are not a week to week worry, or at least they shouldnt be. One dcay of bad eating wont ruin everything, a week or a month will.
I lack discipline. I lack the courage to take an idea and run with it. I lack the discipline to make any real meaningful change in my life. Ive had this same conversation with myself for 14 years. This is how I spent all my time in texas.
Nov 13, 2017
Feb 19, 2017
So you've singed up for your 1st Marathon, now what?
Seriously, now what?
Oct 7th, 7am down town Minneapolis. That is some weird Sunday sometime in the very distant future. That time and date really dont mean a whole lot to me right now as it is just the beginning of February and 25 degrees outside. Thankfully there hasnt been too much snow or many days sub-zero so I have been able to get some street running in. Small runs, some 3 mile 5 mile 6 mile runs to keep me in the swing. I have not been keeping track of the times at all, Im not that interested right now. All I want to do is be in the habit of running so when the season does change for the better Im ready to roll.
Oct 7th, 7am down town Minneapolis. That is some weird Sunday sometime in the very distant future. That time and date really dont mean a whole lot to me right now as it is just the beginning of February and 25 degrees outside. Thankfully there hasnt been too much snow or many days sub-zero so I have been able to get some street running in. Small runs, some 3 mile 5 mile 6 mile runs to keep me in the swing. I have not been keeping track of the times at all, Im not that interested right now. All I want to do is be in the habit of running so when the season does change for the better Im ready to roll.
May 7, 2012
Feb 11, 2012
In a relationship with shoes
I have owned many, many pairs of running shoes. Most pairs I did not like. They feel great in the store and while running through clothes racks and around customers but once I lace them up and hit the street I hate every step. I tell myself that it's a break in period, that every shoe has a few bad miles in the right away, but most of the time I never feel good in them. To be frank, there are very few shoes I have ever actually enjoyed running in.
It is true that a new shoe will not feel 100% right away. They will give you sore spots and blisters, they will fall funny or have an odd bounce for the first 30 miles and you won't really know what to make of them. After the leather, rubber and nylon have all worn in a bit, fitting your feet better, you will have a better understanding of the shoe. There will come a point where once it goes onto your foot it will be there for protection and nothing more. It will be to you as your favorite pair of jeans, just something to cover your nakedness. A good shoe should give you nothing more than does a good pair of socks.
A pair of shoes should not slip around underneath you. There shouldn't be any extra movement from your foot; you shouldn't slide around in the heal, arch or toe box. All of these things point to an ill fitting shoe.
Most people buy a size similar to their daily shoes, something thats comfortable to wear at work and around the house. A running shoe is different. A running shoe must perform better, must fit better and above all it must be the right size. Something too big will cause serious irritation to you skin and cause burns or your feet will slide around and smash into the front or sides causing damage to your bones and nails. A shoe too small with cramp your feet, reduce blood circulation and bind against your skin causing strange pressure points. Check our your preferred size first but don't be surprised if you go a size smaller. In everyday life I wear a 9-9.5, all much preferred running shoes have been 8.5.
Is there a Secret?
Try a lot of shoes.
Most big time running stores will have a very large selection to choose from, a daunting challenge for anyone. You'll stare up a a wall covered in color and brand names and have no idea where to start. Your best friend in a time like this is an experienced sales person.
Every person needs a different shoes and many times it turns out not to be what you expected. A trained sales person will be able to watch you walk, jump and even a few paces running to help point you int he right direction. But thats just a suggestion. There is no way anyone else will know how it feels to run on your feet. Try on everything, even ugly shoes. Try on things from the super high-end to the cheapest thing on the wall. Take a stroll through the isles in a pair of minimalist shoes and a pair of super supportive old-man shoes. You never know which one will strike your fancy.
Don't feel awkward for being a needy customer. A good sales person understand the importance here and the fact that they ARE knowledgeable and selling shoes at a running store means they care about the product. Spend some good time just putting on shoes. Ask a lot of questions; talk about your running style/distance/goals/expectations and past shoe problems. The more info you give the better chance you are at getting what you need.
Next, buy two pairs. If you're going to be serious about this then you're going to need something good. It doesn't make any sense to buy one when you could buy two, plan on spending $120-200 on day one. The good news is most running stores have a return policy, find out what that is. Many times it will pertain to where the shoes were worn, not how long. If you can take them to a track or indoor running for a day or two that will give you a better side by side with a couple pairs than just walking in a store.
After you've found the perfect shoe buy a second, or third, pair. You never know when you'll need a new pair and you can't be sure they will still be in production when you'll want them. Something I have struggled with in the past is switching shoes every season, or mid-season, and having to break in a new pair or learn a new style because unfortunately when you switch brands or styles you will starting this whole process over again.
I have run in everything and hated them all the same. From full support Asics to light weight Saucony, they just dont feel right. I was lucky enough to find a shoe I loved, the Puma YuGoRun, unfortunately for me when I discovered this shoe it was already out of production. I have spent a lot of time tracking the right size down on Ebay and online only to be left wanting for a second pair.
There is no magic answer here. I hate running in Nike, Brooks and Asics. I like running in Saucony and Puma. My friends all run in a different brand and style than I do, and thats OK. What works for one person may not work for another, there is no silver bullet here. Just because a shoe is wildly popular in the world does not make it the right shoe for you. Just the same with price, more expensive does not make better. The materials may be better on a $140 pair but that does not mean it will feel as good to your feet as does a $60 pair.
Reading shoe reviews is helpful, to a point. The authors will do their best to help you understand what the shoe is doing, but its hard to make a judgment off words alone. It is a good place to start, if you have run in the past then you can relate to issues or concerns other may have about a shoe, so keep them in mind but don't base your decision off what someone else has said. Especially when buying online. Buying sight-unseen (read: unworn) can be a disaster. You wouldnt buy a car without test-driving, why would you buy shoes that way? Once you have a pair you like for sure buy more online, just be cautious with brand new style or brand.
Why is this so important? I mean, they're just shoes after all.
As cliche as is sounds, in running every step counts. The difference between you getting better and getting tired or hurt comes down to training and shoes. Without either you are left in the cold. Forget about running shirts, shorts, hats and gear, the only thing that truly makes you a better runner is training and if every time you walk out your front door and hate the shoes you're in then every step will suck. Running in bad shoes is like being in a bad mood at work, its really hard to get anything done and you hate everyone around you. Start with the basics, the street and your feet, the rest will fall into place after that. Treat your feet well, get them a great pair or shoes.
Because the right pair of shoes will change your running life.
My Saucony Kinvara, about 75 miles ran
Puma YuGoRun, about 300 miles ran on and off-road
Jun 19, 2011
The worst thigs in life are free
I had made it 17 days in June, running every day and loving it. June 17th in the evening I started to feel strange. My hips were sore and stiff. I figured it was from running 10K in the morning and then working all day. I guess it could have been anything, all I know is the its the 19th and Im still down.
I didnt run yesterday, or today, and I dont know if I will be able to tomorrow. I dont think I was pushing too hard, I wasnt running 10miles a day or anywhere near that. Most days was a quick 5K or some speed work around the neighborhood. The one day I did run 10miles I felt fantaistic, great like I hadnt even run at all. I woke up yesterday and I couldnt walk. I stood up out of bed and fell over, I thought I was being stabbed, or poisoned.
I dont think it was the running, that seems too likely and almost silly. I was running for just 17days, there is no way that could be it. I have been a runner my whole life and there have been points, playing soccer, that I would run every day for months at a time. I was 17 then but I dont think being 27 is too old to run every day.
I think what took me out was my lack of preparation and cool-down. I would just put my shoes on and run, come home and grab a glass of water and hop into the shower. I wasnt taking time to stretch or walk around at all. That's where the problem is, I didnt take enough care of my body before and after running. And now I am paying the price.
So Im hurt, again, and there is nothing I can do about it except wait. I hate waiting.
I didnt run yesterday, or today, and I dont know if I will be able to tomorrow. I dont think I was pushing too hard, I wasnt running 10miles a day or anywhere near that. Most days was a quick 5K or some speed work around the neighborhood. The one day I did run 10miles I felt fantaistic, great like I hadnt even run at all. I woke up yesterday and I couldnt walk. I stood up out of bed and fell over, I thought I was being stabbed, or poisoned.
I dont think it was the running, that seems too likely and almost silly. I was running for just 17days, there is no way that could be it. I have been a runner my whole life and there have been points, playing soccer, that I would run every day for months at a time. I was 17 then but I dont think being 27 is too old to run every day.
I think what took me out was my lack of preparation and cool-down. I would just put my shoes on and run, come home and grab a glass of water and hop into the shower. I wasnt taking time to stretch or walk around at all. That's where the problem is, I didnt take enough care of my body before and after running. And now I am paying the price.
So Im hurt, again, and there is nothing I can do about it except wait. I hate waiting.
Jun 11, 2011
Reading streets signs is hard
I set up a 5K course using the GMaps Pedometer around my 'hood. My final time was 23:59 giving me an average below 8min/mile. I walked for 45 seconds after what I thought was mile 2. I set it up so I could have a good measure of my mile for mile time. I was shooting to run the miles in 6min, 7min and finally 8min for an overall time of 21min. 21 is my goal time for the next 5K I do.
Where I went wrong was using the wrong signs for my markers. My first mile was measured too short and my second mile was almost a half mile too long. I killed myself on the second mile, I kept checking my watch and saying 'im not going to make it, Im not going to make it' so I pushed faster. In reality I ran my second mile under 6min, but the pace I was running and the extra almost half mile I ran just took everything out of me. I had to walk for a bit.
I was so mad at myself because as I was walking I knew I screwed up. I knew that I had started to push too soon and was on it for too long. When you get so set on a goal and totally miss it there is a lot of mental work that needs to happen to get back in the stream. My last ~mile was very good. Just a nice easy pace that I knew would keep me under 24 min and I hit it bang on.
Its hard to work through those mental blows. Especially when youre tired and still quite a ways from home and the only thing to do is run. And thats the lesson here, just keep on running. No matter what happens or how badly things have gone you just need to keep pushing forward. Left foot, right foot. Left foot, right foot. Because its when you stop, thats when youve given up and have doomed youself to failure.
Sure, sub-24 minutes wasnt my original plan, but when things feel apart I made a new plan and stuck to it. When in doubt, keep running.
Where I went wrong was using the wrong signs for my markers. My first mile was measured too short and my second mile was almost a half mile too long. I killed myself on the second mile, I kept checking my watch and saying 'im not going to make it, Im not going to make it' so I pushed faster. In reality I ran my second mile under 6min, but the pace I was running and the extra almost half mile I ran just took everything out of me. I had to walk for a bit.
I was so mad at myself because as I was walking I knew I screwed up. I knew that I had started to push too soon and was on it for too long. When you get so set on a goal and totally miss it there is a lot of mental work that needs to happen to get back in the stream. My last ~mile was very good. Just a nice easy pace that I knew would keep me under 24 min and I hit it bang on.
Its hard to work through those mental blows. Especially when youre tired and still quite a ways from home and the only thing to do is run. And thats the lesson here, just keep on running. No matter what happens or how badly things have gone you just need to keep pushing forward. Left foot, right foot. Left foot, right foot. Because its when you stop, thats when youve given up and have doomed youself to failure.
Sure, sub-24 minutes wasnt my original plan, but when things feel apart I made a new plan and stuck to it. When in doubt, keep running.
Jun 10, 2011
I like this part right here
At some point in a running life you have to wonder, will this ever just be natural? As in, will waking up in the morning and putting on your shoes be as easy as brushing your teeth before bed?
I dont think Im there yet. Its only been 10 (successful) days and Im really going strong, but I think it will take more time than this. Thats not to say it hasnt gotten a whole lot easier to get on the road. Used to be Id need some mental convincing, gearing myself up for getting off the internet and going for a run. That hard descision when youve got an hour before you need to leave for work and you really just want to watch Netflix.
Now, however, its getting easy. I know that I need to go for a run so I budget the time into my life. I know I want to read my favorite blogs/forums and shop for car parts, but I also really want to run. I am planning better and getting into a good head space about everything running.
Today was a short distance day, not because I needed it to be but because I dont want to burn myself out. The last three runs Ive done have all been around 7 miles. Those are not HUGE runs, all under an hour, but I want to pace myself a bit more so I dont kill my legs or my ambition.
Today was a testing day, 2+ miles just around the neighborhood with no music, sunglasses or my watch. Just me, a long sleeve tee, running shorts and my shoes. I couldnt have been happier.
I started out very fast, like 80% speed fast. I wanted to get a feeling for what it was like to over run my legs and lungs an to do that I knew I needed to really run. Since I wasnt keeping track of my time I really cant tell you how fast my first mile came up. I know that my natural pace is roughly 8min/mile and I know I was really pushing hard. I would assume I was running a 6min pace and it felt amazing. When I reached my 'jogging' point I was winded but not ruined, my legs were warm and I didnt need a break at all. I slowed my pace to a more natural rhythm and ran about a mile more. I picked my 'sprint to home point' and this is where I really got trashed. It was only about a 1/4mile but I sprinted hard, I mustered up all my remaining juice and went for it. Much the way you do when you can see the finish line, you pull out all the stops.
I feel really good about today. It was a nice short run that got me running much harder than normal helping me have a better understanding of what it would be like to really push during a race. I want to do some more testing with a 5K course around the neighborhood and run a 6min 1st mile, 8min 2nd and finish the distance back at 6min. If I can get down to a roughly 20min 5K I think I will be in a very good place for my half marathon.
I dont think Im there yet. Its only been 10 (successful) days and Im really going strong, but I think it will take more time than this. Thats not to say it hasnt gotten a whole lot easier to get on the road. Used to be Id need some mental convincing, gearing myself up for getting off the internet and going for a run. That hard descision when youve got an hour before you need to leave for work and you really just want to watch Netflix.
Now, however, its getting easy. I know that I need to go for a run so I budget the time into my life. I know I want to read my favorite blogs/forums and shop for car parts, but I also really want to run. I am planning better and getting into a good head space about everything running.
Today was a short distance day, not because I needed it to be but because I dont want to burn myself out. The last three runs Ive done have all been around 7 miles. Those are not HUGE runs, all under an hour, but I want to pace myself a bit more so I dont kill my legs or my ambition.
Today was a testing day, 2+ miles just around the neighborhood with no music, sunglasses or my watch. Just me, a long sleeve tee, running shorts and my shoes. I couldnt have been happier.
I started out very fast, like 80% speed fast. I wanted to get a feeling for what it was like to over run my legs and lungs an to do that I knew I needed to really run. Since I wasnt keeping track of my time I really cant tell you how fast my first mile came up. I know that my natural pace is roughly 8min/mile and I know I was really pushing hard. I would assume I was running a 6min pace and it felt amazing. When I reached my 'jogging' point I was winded but not ruined, my legs were warm and I didnt need a break at all. I slowed my pace to a more natural rhythm and ran about a mile more. I picked my 'sprint to home point' and this is where I really got trashed. It was only about a 1/4mile but I sprinted hard, I mustered up all my remaining juice and went for it. Much the way you do when you can see the finish line, you pull out all the stops.
I feel really good about today. It was a nice short run that got me running much harder than normal helping me have a better understanding of what it would be like to really push during a race. I want to do some more testing with a 5K course around the neighborhood and run a 6min 1st mile, 8min 2nd and finish the distance back at 6min. If I can get down to a roughly 20min 5K I think I will be in a very good place for my half marathon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)