In the Span of 24 hours I chopped the tip of my thumb off, judged at Chili contest, had a birthday and then a full mental shut down for no reason what-so-ever.
I get caught in these cycles where Im not really sure what I should be doing, trapped in a loop where I start to feel distant from my body then from my mind. I get real quiet and begin this systamatic shit down of all care and feel for whats around me. I cant make any choices, not about food or clothes to wear or if I want to sleep or die. I end up blindly walking to my phone or some sort of device and stare for hours at nothing, searching Youtube or Facebook for something to strike me.
The whole time I want something. I feel a deep need for some thing to grab me but I can never capture it. I settle on "buy" something and the set out on the never ending task of research and discusion but I dont have any idea where Im heading. I dont know what it is that I even want to buy I just knows its out there. Is it shoes? Is it a car?
On my 30th and 31st birthdays it was a car. Hell, even the last month I bought 2 fucking cars, one I need/like and the other that will sit and rot because I bought a project right before winter and have no place to do any work on it.
The flower in my Latte looks like a penis. Thats not how it started or what the Barista was intending to do, Im sure.
I have so many things already, many things I love and hate and I truly have all the things that I need to use or make or build. I even have stuff other places I have bought on a binge and have used once and now they are sitting in someone elses space waiting for me to grab them yet again. I tell myself all the time that its less I need, fewer is what Im aiming for and yet here we are sitting on a laptop shopping for a different laptop or for shoes I think will solve some sort of issue Im not having. ]
Is it still a midlife crisis if it keeps happening?
I daily dream of selling my toys but it always ends with the dream of replacing them with something better and newer, something I havnt already ruined and I can focus all my heart on. The things Im replacing are fine. They are doing their exact purpose something new would just become old and out of head.
But why, why is that my default. Where is the settle button, where is the space in my mind that appreciates the things I have now and the drive to make them better.Its terminal "grass is always greener". It may not kill me outright but it will drive me actually crazy and that will kill me.
I am bored. I am stressed over nothing. I am not happy.
the key to happy is loving who you are and what you are. What if I dont want to settle for this. What if loving this makes it stay this way and them Im actual trapped in a cycle of hate love hate love hate love forever and I cant grow. What if the key is loving what you are and using that as a springboard to grow and move. Being content with your now doesnt mean it needs to be that way forever and I can change it later on. Cant I?
I get so paniced when Im injured. So hard on myself that Im going to lose everything Ive (poorly) built to this point. Im going to get fat because I cut my thumb off. Im going to lose 200lbs on my squat because my back is tired this week.
Maybe my goals are wrong.
Abs are made in the kitchen. Biscpts are made with hard work. If Im really worried about getting fat I need to first decide what fat is. Is it losing my abs? Is it 200lbs? Those things are not a week to week worry, or at least they shouldnt be. One dcay of bad eating wont ruin everything, a week or a month will.
I lack discipline. I lack the courage to take an idea and run with it. I lack the discipline to make any real meaningful change in my life. Ive had this same conversation with myself for 14 years. This is how I spent all my time in texas.
